Getting Answers!
I
feel like I am starting 2016 just how I had hoped I would start 2014 and 2015 -
with some answers!
In
previous blogs I have talked about how things really fell apart for me at the
end of 2013 and since then I have really struggled to find the answers as to
why my health and love of running have continued to decline. Getting some
answers from recent tests has been pivotal in my journey and means that even
though there is so much work to be done, I can finally start a fresh year with
a vision and plan and most of all a sense that I can find myself and my health
again. As part of moving forward I feel the need to look back and figure out
just how I got to this point so that I don’t fall back into this trap again. I
am also starting to see how common these issues are especially with the pace of
todays world, I have been able to connect with so many others with similar
issues and I think its is really important to create awareness.
So how did I get to this
point? How did I go from being fit and
healthy with an abundance of energy to someone who could barely get out of bed
and function? Was it all about the running? No… the amount of running I was
doing certainly didn’t help but it was a number of factors that contributed to
where I found myself and my state of health. Looking back, 2013 was a very big
year for me, it was the year I really started to get into running, I loved it
and it was such an outlet! In the same year I was in a very stressful work
environment, I was in a situation where I felt bullied in the workplace which
ripped away at my self confidence and my emotional health. Being in this
position was hard, good jobs were hard to come by locally and I needed the job
because like everyone else I had a mortgage, kids and so many other financial
commitments… so I set a lot of my feelings aside and basically shoved the issue
in the corner because if I acknowledged it enough it became more of a reality which
I felt made things harder (I now realise that refusing to acknowledge these
things doesn’t make them go away, it makes them worse, you can put anything in
the corner but the reality is that its still there for another day). I worked
long days and finished at 7pm 3 nights a week which made me feel guilty that I
was missing valuable time with my family, all to be somewhere I didn’t even want
to be. I would come home and the kids would be already bathed, fed and ready
for bed and my dinner was cooked and on the table, even though the hard work
was all done I really missed being a part of all those simple things with my
family and it was putting so much pressure on Wes who had to do everything
after also being at work all day. Every day I showed up to work, sucked it up
and just did what I had to because I felt there was no other choice. Running
was one of the big ways I dealt with the situation and I always felt good after
going out for a run and pushing myself hard, I was running out my frustration
which I now realise was not a sustainable way to deal with the situation, I was
probably running too many of my runs too hard as a coping mechanism.
I had so many commitments
in 2013 on top of all of this and keeping busy was the perfect distraction at
the time, I was running 6 days a week, playing summer comp hockey, playing
touch football, we got a new puppy who was a lot of work at the time, I was
attending so many races (too many!) trying to be the best mum I could be to my
two boys and so much more, I was just trying to pack way too much in! I can clearly remember being so rushed so
much of the time and trying to fit so many commitments into such a small space
of time, I literally remember the feeling of adrenaline pumping through my
blood and the rush it gave me, it felt so good at the time, I felt like I was
achieving so much and it made me feel on top of the world… until I was
literally stopped in my tracks as my body simply could not sustain this. I now
realise just how dangerous all of this was to my health… our stress hormones
aren’t meant to be switched ON all of the time!
I always had trouble falling asleep back then and I used to put it down
to the fact that I was finishing work at 7pm which was later than I was used to
and that I needed more time to wind down after work, I now see it was a vital
clue that my cortisol was high at the time from my stress hormones being switched
on too much. My perception of what
stress was back then is very different to how I view it now, I had no idea that
our bodies cannot differentiate between different kinds of stress, I didn’t
realise that all of this rushing was such a stress on my body, I didn’t even
realise that running is a stress to our body (how could something that feels so
good be stressful to our bodies?!). If you go for a run and recover adequately
it can be a positive thing and adaptations are made, if we recover adequately
our bodies actually convert cortisol to cortisone which has profound benefits
but if cortisol and stress hormones are always high and never catch a break it
can have dire effects on health. My
biggest problem is that I didn’t see most of the stress in my life as stress,
that’s just how life was, one big rush but I never perceived it as stressful,
it just became my normal. Failing to acknowledge just how much my work
situation was affecting me emotionally also caught up with me and took its
toll, it didn’t go away just because I didn’t acknowledge it, I now realise it
was still a major stress whether I saw it that way or not. And that is exactly
how I believe my road to Adrenal fatigue started. It starts with cortisol being
too high and the body cannot keep up with the demands so in the next stage it
falls low and results in an unrelenting fatigue which is unrivaled by sleep.
The onset of Adrenal Fatigue usually involves a range of physical and emotional
factors and I was ticking both or those boxes! Back then I never acknowledged
that running could be placing such a burden on me, I always had one rest day a
week to make sure I was recovering adequately, I was averaging 70km weeks which
didn’t seem like much compared to what some others were doing, I had never ran
further than Marathon distance, even though I was training for an Ultra
Marathon I never quite got there, it just didn’t make sense to me that what I
was doing could be too much. The thing is that each person is so individual and
what one person can handle is so different to another. My load may have been much less compared to
many of those around me but it is not just about the numbers… combining all of
the above factors and a poor stress response on top of the running was enough
to push me over the edge. Failing to acknowledge all of this and get the
answers I needed for so long bought me unstuck further and further as I kept
trying to battle on. Looking back I also
felt a certain pressure that I was unaware of at the time. I entered the sport
performing reasonably well from the get go and was constantly being told by
well meaning people that I had so much potential. This definitely played on my
mind and bought more stress to my running as I felt a need to perform to a
certain level all of the time and to constantly improve and run PB’s, narrowly
missing a couple of podiums and in one race missing a win where I had led for
33km of a 34km race only to be overtaken in the last km made me want it more
and more. I don’t even know how I got so caught up in this, performance was
definitely not why I started to run in the first place. As I became unwell and
my performances fell away more and more this was an extra factor that really
played on my mind. I don’t even care about any of that anymore all I want is to
run free and happy again, just to participate and to run with a smile on my
face like I used to.
By the end of 2013 I was no
longer in the same job and set my sights on starting up my own business, I went
back to Graphic Design which is what I truly love doing. While this was very exciting
to start up my own business, the prospect of not being paid a set amount every
week and having to build clientele was daunting and stressful at times while I
got myself up and running, the type of stress changed but the cycle
continued... My business is now going really well but with my declining health
over the last two years and the guilt of having to slow down everything because
my body literally couldn’t take it anymore has really kept that stress cycle
going especially when there were no concrete answers as to why I felt the way I
did (and it wasn’t through a lack of trying, I had countless Doctors visits and
spent the best part of 2 years using what energy I had trying to find the
answers… I am sure my Doctor thought I was a hypochondriac!). I kept pushing on
and hoping it would pass because as the Doctors kept telling me I was fine! But
I wasn’t fine and was running myself further and further into the ground trying
to keep up and the more I struggled the more I really started to doubt myself.
It became a really perpetuating cycle!
In
December an Adrenal and Baseline Hormone Saliva test confirmed what I felt I
had known for some time now that I was in Stage 2 of Adrenal Fatigue and on top
of this, my other hormones had become very unbalanced as well. The test
revealed that my morning cortisol was relatively normal but by Midday it had
bottomed out to where it is supposed to be at 10pm at night and stayed at that
level all day, no wonder I felt so tired! The normal pattern that cortisol
should follow throughout the day is that it is high first thing in the morning
(which helps us get out of bed with energy) and then it gradually declines
throughout the day and reaches its lowest point by 10pm which is what allows us
to fall asleep easily. Many other hormone imbalances were also picked up, because
my cortisol was so low my other hormones stepped in to help out, the problem is
that this creates further imbalance which causes further issues. My DHEA was almost twice the high end of the
normal range, testosterone was almost 4 times the high end of the normal range
and E1 (a form of Oestrogen) was also high. Its crazy to think that only 9
months ago my testosterone was below the normal range and now it has swung
completely the other way (when I was on the contraceptive pill it completely
bottomed out and now upon stopping it, it has skyrocketed… what an upheaval for
my body! And it didn’t matter which end of the scale it was on, I felt horrible
the whole time because it was out of balance along with many other things). These results also bought to light that there
were issues with my liver and Phase 2 Liver Detoxification, the liver is
responsible for processing and excreting excess hormones from the body but when
the load is too high it starts to recycle hormones back into the body as it
simply cannot keep up, the problem is that these hormones are not intended to
be recycled back into the body and they create havoc. Since I have started to work on this issue I
have noticed some improvement with my bloating which is great, it seems to have
been caused by the liver.
After
seeing a dietician in Sydney who specialises in issues such as Adrenal Fatigue late
last month, further testing was done on my Thyroid as I appeared to have many
symptoms of Hypothyroidism on top of my Adrenal Fatigue symptoms. All of my
Thyroid results came back normal but we were still waiting on the Reverse T3
(RT3) results to come back. When these tests came back last week it revealed
that my Reverse T3 was very high. What
does this mean? Reverse T3 has the same molecular structure as the Thyroid
hormone T3 except that it is upside down.
The issue is that RT3 binds to the same cell receptors as T3 but it is
inactive and as a result blocks T3 from binding to the receptors and becoming
active. T3 along with T4 is
responsible for regulating cell metabolism in every cell in our bodies. They
promote optimal growth, development, function and maintenance of all body
tissues. They are also critical for nervous, skeletal and reproductive tissue
as well as regulating body temperature, heart rate, body weight and
cholesterol. When RT3 is high and T3 is being blocked symptoms of
Hypothyroidism are present but it is different to typical hypothyroidism where
T3 is usually not being produced efficiently, my T3 is being produced but it is
being blocked by the RT3. This certainly explains a lot of my symptoms further.
Looking back now I feel
that at the end of 2013 I was very much on the road to Adrenal Fatigue, all the
signs were there in hindsight I just had no idea what I was dealing with and
what impact stress was having on my life back then. The acne which appeared for the first time in
my life at 31 makes sense to me now, when our adrenals become taxed from
producing too much or too little cortisol, all of our other hormones can also
become off kilter which I believe caused the acne along with all of my injuries
and other symptoms from back then. Unfortunately I feel that I went down the
wrong path initially by accepting prescriptions for the pill and antibiotics,
they worked for a while with the acne but I felt even worse when taking them.
As soon as I stopped taking them the acne came back because the problem was
still there, the medication merely managed the symptoms without solving the
problem and caused me a whole new set of issues which I am still also trying to
overcome. Long term antibiotic use is
very dangerous and can cause major health issues in the gut and to our immune
system, if only I knew this before I took them. I am still yet to have the
tests done to find out exactly what I am dealing with in terms of my gut. Gut issues
and a low immune system also place a great deal of stress on the body which
certainly has not helped with my Adrenal Fatigue.
It’s been 3 months now
since I have ran and I honestly still don’t feel I have the strength or energy
to run. Body Balance classes at Cityfit, Yoga and walking my dog have kept me
sane while I have taken a break from running. I am feeling really positive now in
knowing what I am dealing with and the fact that it is totally fixable. Once I
work through the process of getting my health back, I will run again and will
take a much more balanced approach to my running… I just need to be patient as
the process is going to take some time to work through. I need to look at all
the reasons why I started running and why I found it so enjoyable and go back
to the basics. However, there is a big part of me that is terrified to start running
again, I don’t want to start too soon and compromise any progress I am making
but at the same time I am keen to refuel that love of running that I once had.
I guess my body will tell me when its time to return. I was lucky enough to
chat with Katee from Holistic Endurance and Author of Healing The Grumpy
Athlete a couple of months back who has been through a similar journey to mine
and works with athletes in this position, she gave me some great advice which
has helped me find more answers and I will be seeking some coaching from her
when I am ready to return, not for performance reasons but just to get me back
into the game in a safe manner so that I can find balance and enjoy running again
without falling apart like I did. I love the principles of Holistic Endurance
and the fact that they look at so many other factors outside of running and
triathlon, because as I have learned there is so much more that affects our
running than just running, I don’t just want to run, I want to live as well and
run a bit for enjoyment and I need to be healthy and maintain the right balance
to do that. I am not too sure exactly when I will return, I feel like I will
know when its time, lets see what the year brings… One thing I do know is that
for the first time in 2 years things are really starting to look up, finally having
answers changes my whole outlook and I now have a total new respect for my
body. Our bodies truly are amazing, they pretty much tell us when things aren’t
right, we just need to be able to listen. I feel like I have had to fight so hard to get
these answers, 2 years of being pushed out of Dr’s doors again and again being
told I was fine when I knew that I wasn’t was like torture. I am glad I never
gave up and stuck with it and kept searching and digging for answers and
practitioners who would listen and who would run the tests I was seeking. I was
never scared of a diagnosis, I wanted it so badly so that I could work towards
getting better… I couldn’t be happier to finally have that… because health is
everything, its hard to enjoy anything else without it and I look forward to finally
getting mine back this year!
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| some of my favourite photos from 2013 when I was running healthy and happy |
